


WTF February

by norakwami



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Chicken!Gabriel Agreste, Crack Treated Seriously
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-06
Updated: 2019-02-07
Packaged: 2019-10-23 06:41:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17678393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/norakwami/pseuds/norakwami
Summary: A collection of stories written for @mlb-shit-post's WTF February event.





	1. Too Many Feathers (Day 1)

Nooroo watched apprehensively as her master surveyed his lair with an expertly critical eye.  Gabriel’s face betrayed none of his emotions, but empathy was Nooroo’s curse and she was all too aware of the maelstrom that lurked beneath that thin veneer.

“Nooroo,” Gabriel ground out between his clenched teeth.  The chicken kwami flinched at his tone. “Why are there more feathers on the floor than there are on my chickens?”

“It would seem they are molting, Master,” she offered timidly.

“That’s unacceptable. Make them stop,” Gabriel said.

Nooroo stared at him in astonishment and fought down the urge to laugh.  “I-I cannot, Master!  It is natural for chickens to molt at this time of year.”

Gabriel stared down his nose at her. “Nooroo,” he said slowly, in that condescending tone he loved using on those beneath him, “how am I supposed to akumatize the citizens of Paris with  _chickens that cannot fly?_ ”

“They will grow new feathers in time,” she said.  “It would be wise to supplement their diet with additional protein to help the growth of their new feathers.”

The man sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “How long will that take?”

“Normal molts take between eight and twelve weeks, Master.”

“Eight to twelve weeks,” he said.  “And what am I supposed to do in the meantime, Nooroo?  Ladybug and Chat Noir’s Miraculouses won’t deliver themselves to me!”

Nooroo shrugged and bit her tongue. Reminding Gabriel of the parental responsibilities he constantly shirked in favor of playing Gallus and terrorizing the citizens of Paris was never a wise course of action, especially when he was in a mood like this.

And if Gabriel didn’t have the common sense to realize that he could simply  _buy more chickens to become his akumas,_  well, she wasn’t about to volunteer that information.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m blaming @terrible-miraculous-ladybug-aus for starting the glorious chain reaction that is the Miraculous Ladybug Chicken AU, and @mlb-shit-post for coming up with a WTF February prompt that tied into it all too well.
> 
> Gabriel’s chosen to go by the name “Gallus” in this AU, after the scientific name for the domesticated chicken (Gallus gallus). He’s absolutely pretentious enough to go with the Latin because it’s more sophisticated than the other options. It also has the added bonus of alternate meanings in Lowland Scottish like self-confident and stylish or impressive, which he is, thank you very much.
> 
> He’s stubbornly ignoring the fact that it can also be used to mean “gallows.”
> 
> Nooroo is the chicken kwami but the powers she grants are the same; I’m sticking with female pronouns for her in this because it’s the chicken AU, not the rooster AU.
> 
> This whole thing is a hot mess and I love it way more than I probably should.


	2. Miss Me With That Bullshit (Day 5)

“Shittiest. Akuma. Ever,” Chat Noir said, nose wrinkling in distaste as he dodged another flying cow pie. He hit the ground on all fours and bounded over to where Ladybug crouched behind a parked car, grinning as he caught the tail end of her epic eye roll.

“Must you?” Ladybug muttered exasperatedly.  

“But of course,” Chat said. “So what’s this guy’s beef, anyway?”

Ladybug groaned. “He’s tired of all the bullshit that gets heaped on him,” she said, warily gauging the distance between them and the advancing cow-themed akuma victim.

“So he jumped on the chance to dish it out when Hawkmoth offered it to him?” Chat finished.

“Pretty much. Let’s move!” She darted out from behind the car and cast her yo-yo, using it to swing herself around behind the akuma. Chat Noir pounced in the opposite direction, then darted in to harry the victim while she called for her Lucky Charm.

_No. Tikki, you did not just give me a–_

“Is that a  _fan?_ ” Chat Noir cackled from across the street. “Does this mean–”

“Don’t you  _dare_ , Chat Noir!”

“–this plan’s going to blow?”

“Get over here so I can kick your ass!” Chat obligingly bounced towards her, wearing his most blatantly shit-eating grin. He knew damn well she’d heard the unspoken commentary about fecal matter hitting the rotary oscillator, the brat.  She shook a mock-threatening fist at him as he launched himself over her head, clearing the way for her to flip the fan’s switch and send their opponent’s next missile shooting straight back in his face.

With the victim temporarily blinded, it was only a matter of seconds before Chat Noir was able to relieve him of the akumatized object and Ladybug to send a pure white butterfly fluttering into the afternoon.


	3. Have You Ever Felt a Chinchilla?

The first thing Adrien noticed when he trudged into Miss Bustier's classroom was the gaggle of girls that surrounded Lila at her desk. That was nothing new. Lila had been captivating the entire class with her tall tales since her first day at Collège Françoise Dupont. As aggravating as it could be, today he was thankful that they were distracted enough to not notice the state he was in after last night's hours-long battle against Hawkmoth's most recent victim.

“Oh, it's absolutely adorable!” Rose cooed, clasping her hands under her chin. Juleka nodded and murmured something that he couldn't hear even with the enhanced senses that came from being Chat Noir for so long.

“Isn't it?” Lila said. “I can't believe Prince Ali gifted me this incredibly rare hamster from the kingdom of Achu for my birthday!”

Adrien barely suppressed a snort at that. Lila had probably never met the crown prince of Achu, but she knew that Rose had and tended to drop his name as often as she could to impress the blonde-haired girl.

“He really is so wonderful and generous, isn't he?” Rose sighed dreamily.

“Can I pet it?” Alya asked.

“Of course!” Lila exclaimed, holding the little ball of fur up.

Alya ran a hand over it and squealed in delight. “Oh my gosh, it's so _soft!_ ”

There was a brief flurry of activity as all the girls in the class took turns petting the hamster, which cooed at the touch. That was odd—he could have sworn that hamster vocalizations usually consisted of chirps, squeaks and squeals, and occasional screams—but maybe it really _was_ a rare breed. He wouldn't put it past the girl to buy one herself. She'd done that with the necklace she'd passed off as the fox miraculous, after all.

He took his seat and pulled his tablet out of his bag, hoping to avoid notice and knock out the rest of his physics homework before the bell rang. It wasn't meant to be.

“Oh, Adrien, come see my new pet!” Lila exclaimed.

He winced. “No thanks, Lila. I really need to finish this assignment.”

“C'mon, Adrien, you love hamsters! And this one's the cutest thing ever!” Alya said.

“Have you ever felt a chinchilla?” Mylène asked. “It feels kind of like that, but even softer!”

He was saved from having to answer when the door slammed open and Marinette careened into the room. She posed triumphantly in front of his desk. “Ha! Made it with time to spare!”

Adrien chuckled. “Good morning, Marinette.”

“Ah!” Marinette gave him a look reminiscent of a deer caught in headlights. “I—uh--good morning!”

“Girl, come see this!” Alya called to her. “Prince Ali gave Lila the most adorable hamster for her birthday.”

“A hamster?” Marinette asked, frowning. “We're not supposed to bring pets to school."

“Oh, I'm sure Miss Bustier will understand when I explain that I wasn't able to return home between seeing Prince Ali off at the airport this morning and school starting. They're nocturnal anyway so he's very sleepy now. She won't even know he's here.”

Marinette looked skeptical but didn't say anything more as she stowed her bag next to her seat. Alya bounced down the stairs between them and took her by the wrist, pulling her up to Lila's level.

Adrien turned around in his seat just in time to see the color drain from Marinette's face.

“That's not a hamster, Lila,” she said in a tone that sent his stomach plummeting in dread.

“What? Of _course_ it's a hamster,” Lila said, scandalized.

“No, it's not,” Marinette said firmly. “It's a tribble.”

 


End file.
